Sweet 16

I had a date with the sixteen-year-old me last night. I went through my old photos, read my old blog posts and brought the sixteen year old me alive. It was as if she was standing there, right in front me, with all her pride and shame, fears and insecurities, hope and dreams, twirling and singing to me.

I came to discover a lot about her. She had a young strong voice, one that was muffled most of the time by her lack of confidence and the fear of what others would think of her. Nonetheless, I felt that this young girl had quite a lot to say about life and relationships around her, she was sensitive to emotions and feelings, mostly of her own. Sometimes, she rose above herself, appearing confident and self assured, other times, I see her sobbing, especially in front of her family, who ceased to notice her. Despite having sensible thoughts on humanity at times, overall this girl was naive. Her sixteen year old was structured on grids and lines, she was clear of each territory, and was sure of the consequences of crossing them. To her, black is black, white is white, the notion of grey only appeared out of sympathy and the allowance to bend the rules sometimes.

That notion, that this is a black and white world, faded in time. Much of the naivity and optimism has slowly chipped away. Some of the core attributes still remain, however, I feel like I'm still fighting the battle she fought, still pursuing her unfinished business. One of them is the acceptance by her family. If I could say anything to her, and if saying anything could have made a difference, I'd tell her to find an avenue to voice out her thoughts, I'd tell her not to be afraid to pursue her dreams, and to believe in herself more.

And I believe, if she could point to me and say something in return, it would be, "Tell it to yourself, me."


My favourite quote from me then,

"...Lonely, but not in a negative way. I'm starting to look at loneliness in a different light now. I believe that one must maintain a certain degree of loneliness in order to cherish the ones they love. Besides, it is in loneliness that we can reflect on ourselves.

Loneliness is only segregation from other human beings, by which we uphold our own distinctive identity. However, we are never truly alone because God is always with us, whether you believe it or not."

December 29th, 2006.