Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Secrets

I believe all of us are walking closets filled with hidden skeletons. Each one of us holds a deep, dark secret that is waiting to manifest itself upon our appearances and behaviour. Some of these secrets are shared among a trusted partner, some with family members; but often times we carry these crosses on our backs alone willingly. Willingly because the slightest bit of its exposure threatens to shatter the contradictary image we project on the surface. Willingly because we are not ready to let others see this side of us, not even ourselves. For some, these secrets lay on the shelves of our kitchen cabinets, for others it is stashed under our beds, or locked up in a cyber world. Most of the time, it shares the common characteristics of being shut away, unseen or unheard of and profoundinly surprising, even to the eyes of the offender.

We are most vulnerable when we think we are the strongest. We are our greatest enemy. We may not give in to the person beside us, or the obstacle that was put before us by others, but we are easily trapped by our own weaknesses. This is because we believe we pose no threat to ourselves. We naively let our guards down to ourselves, unaware of the habitual diseases that are eating us alive.

Worst still if we fail to acknowledge the self inflicted desease. We adamantly believe we have everything under control, because we refuse to believe it is us, our sid and ego, that holds the key to our self destruction. Nonetheless, the power to beautify and strengthen ourselves lies on the far end of the spectrum but we are often to stubborn to acknowledge the problem, much less to fix it.

Hence we wait. We wait in the dark till light pours in. We seek for intervention without calling out for it. Or, we wait till it catches up with our inability to conceal it further. We wait till it takes on a life of its own. Often times, it is already too late. Tragically, sometimes it comes to live on the expense of our own.

I too have a dark secret and I have this paranoia that one day someone would come up to me and say, 'hey, i've been watching you. i know what you're doing.' But as much as i fear the appearence of this person, i await on him or her as my buoy out in the rough, choppy sea. I yearn for this holy intervention, i yearn for one to say,'i know you. I know what you're dealing with. Come with me.'

Yet i know my secret is not a deadly one and i have the balance of power over it. It is a problem shared by many many people, even famous faces we see on TV like Oprah. Great people, people with the force to change the world, but not to change themselves. Until they realise. I am writing this now because I believed i have hit rock bottom with this problem and i want to take control over it. I will not discuss the severity of this problem or what i've done. I'm done with emotional binge eating and i do not want to continue to use food as a substance of abuse. I am coming out from the dark because i want to come face to face with it. I think the first step to self recovery is to admit and acknowledge the problem. You can judge me at the back of your minds, it's alright. I just want to step out of the dark so anyone else who shares the same secret will have the courage to face it too.

I am not seeking for your help and i do not want to discuss it with anyone. This admission helps me by subconciosuly reminding myself that i am now exposed, by myelf, and i have the responsibility to treat myself better. I am answerable to you, the one who's reading this and i hope to get back to you with good reports. Let me rephrase that. I will get back to you with good reports.

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