TGIF

Friday. Part 1.

It's the day of the audition. As soon as I got off work, I went home, changed into a comfortable pants and reached for the audition monologue. I stared straight down on the script and started fidgeting. Should I? Yes I should. No, I shouldn't. Yea, I shouldn't. But i promised. So, I should. But what if... nah, just go. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, hide under covers. I don't remember being this vulnerable. I finally decided to shut the angel and devil up and decide as I walk.

I sped up across the streets. The girl from the audition rang me up to confirm i was coming. NO! was what I meant to say. Instead, I said, yes i'm actually on my way now, with the best Cantonese I could utter. The devil, perched on my shoulders, started to device a plan. Walk into the audition room and tell them you're not feeling well. No, i don't want to do that. Though, my tummy was feeling a little sick then. Well, he said, you can probably tell them you'd just like to observe and not participate. Yea, i could do that, agreeing with the devil. I can't believe you gave yourself all the big talk before and now you're backing out, angel sneered. I chose to ignore his remark.

I'm just not prepared.

I heard myself telling Felix, the director. Why? Why would you just want to participate? I mean, you came all the way here...? She asked, squinting her eyes sideways, as if I told her I just descended from Planet Mars. Stupid devil, i knew he's no good. I knew she would asked me this obvious question. I heard myself blabbering some lame excuses, trying to justify my meekness. The more i talked, the more i wanted to leave.

Once i finished my 30 second speech, she smiled at me knowingly, as if I were a child who lied about having tummy ache just to skip school for a day. Come join in, you'll have fun don't worry, it's not a competition, we're here to play some games and have fun. I wanted to shrink through my diapers. I took a deep breath and tell myself to just let go and have as much as fun as i can.

The next thing I know we were engaged in a series of warm ups, theatre sports and breathing exercises. Eight of us, three hopeful actors, side by side in a circle. Then came the reading part. Felix told us to give it a go once we're ready. I didn't think I did the best i could. But i was relieved and glad i tried. At least I tried.

At the end of the audition, Felix started explaining the plot and pointed out the criteria the casts have to have. It's a black humour play, centralised around Hong Kong society and culture. It is made up of 62 scenes, each scene lasting up to 2 minutes. Hence, each cast has to be flexible to juggle various roles.

She wanted to know how much we wanted to be in this play and how much are we willing to sacrifice.

I thought hard as L started to question herself about not being able to relate to the character despite coming from Hong Kong herself. I don't see myself as a true Hongkie, she said. I listened attentively as B told everyone that acting has always been her dream. Why, why do you like being on stage? Felix asked. I don't know. B replied in a soft voice.

Then I said. I said. To be honest, acting has always been my dream too. So much that i've been defensive about it (I reckon they didn't understood what this meant, but I hadnt had the time to explain). But I wasn't given the chance to pursue this dream. So, i would say this is a personal challenge for me. Although i know, to say it is a personal challenge may be wrong and selfish too because it is the dream of everyone involved in this production. But i'm really forcing myself out of my comfort zone. If L said she can't relate to the characters, then i'm far worst. I'm from Malaysia, i don't speak Cantonese and I know nothing about acting. But i also believe we can only learn and grow once we step out of our comfort zone. I like acting, theatre. I like it because it amazes me how our voices, body and facial expressions can coordinate together to send across a message. I like coming into a zone, leaving myself behind, yet not all of me, and bringing essence of me into the character i play. I like finding a relation to a character, because I believe, at the center of humanity lies a core. A common bond that we all share, regardless of our skin colour or where we come from. We cry over the same things. Even crying is a shared behaviour. I know nothing but I'm willing to be rolled over and stretched thin just to learn.

I was all over the place when I finished. But at this point, it really didnt matter to me anymore. The outcome is secondary because i learnt a lot from Felix. The audition was not like any auditions. It was more of a sharing and learning session and I enjoyed every second of the 3 hours it lasted. I came out inspired by Felix and glad that I didnt walk away instead.

It was worth it. But it was 9 20pm now. and i was cold and hungry....

(to be continued : Friday-Part 2)